im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
