woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
