it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
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I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
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I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.