I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
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He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
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Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.