guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.