I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.