If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
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what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
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He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.