I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
It's a yes or no question.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna