I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
it's like heaven, but drunker
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Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
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Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.