Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this