before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
