I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
