I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
