it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
