mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Randomize
