I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
