I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
