6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
