I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
