Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
