I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
