Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
