dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
porn star boner night. come get it.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I lost the right to judge tonight
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
