Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
