This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
