Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
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