i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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