You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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