Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
