When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
