Where is the hickey?
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
