Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
