Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
