have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
