I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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