Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
