I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
