If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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