She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
