She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
