hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
