so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
