So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize