he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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