I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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