These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
