i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
