I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
it was like eating out sand paper
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
