dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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