just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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