There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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