then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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