I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
