I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
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In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
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George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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