I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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