Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
