I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
barbara walters just said penis...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Sober January is a disaster.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
