Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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