First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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