What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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