If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
