We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
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We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
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If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize