I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
